The 3 Risks We Don't Talk About When Talking About Boundary-Setting
The 3 Risks We Don't Talk About When Talking About Boundary-Setting
Written by Dr. Therapinay
Everyone talks about setting boundaries like it’s a bag of chips we can easily pick-up at the convenience store, but what they don’t tell you is the risks you take when you ACTUALLY set boundaries with others…
Here are the top 3 risks that you should know about when you set boundaries with others.
#1: Relationships change
Many times, people stay in the same relationship dynamics, as troubling or distressing as it may be, because changing the existing relationship dynamic may feel scary and unpredictable. Existing relationships provide familiarity, even if they aren’t safe or secure. Even if relationships “feel like home,” some people grew up in abusive and unhealthy home environments, so replicating those same conditions may be familiar and comfortable, but may be replicating the same patterns of harm or trauma. So, setting healthy boundaries with other who you’ve been in these holding patterns with, may create a disconnect or strong reaction with those who benefitted from the unhealthy behavior patterns. Setting boundaries can feel scary - it can bring up fears of feeling lonely, feeling unloved, questioning self-worth, fears of hurting others, fears of miscommunication, or fears of anger. When we take time to better understand where the feelings of fear is coming from, we can better attend to the part(s) of oneself that needs healing. During therapy with client, this process can often take months, years, sometimes decades to really process through. Healing isn’t linear, so having a space to continue to attend to these parts can be helpful.
When we create these changes, we then risk….
#2: Experiencing grief waves
These grief waves are just like ocean waves - unpredictable, sometimes tumultuous, and maybe feel unrelenting. The grief emotion usually comes up when the person reflects on the relationships they once had, and hyper focus on the emotional-highs, the dopamine-kicks, or the rose-colored-glasses memories. It can bring up regret, self-doubt, and the potential (and, very common) relapse back into potentially problematic behaviors. While grief may be present, we can understand “grief” as a part of us experiencing loss, losing something or someone, or letting go of a long-held desire/dream/expectation. When we better understand what loss is being experienced, we can shift into the joy we were seeking or hoping. So, for instance, when we attempt to set boundaries with an abusive partner and they decide to end the relationship, one might experience grief and loss of that relationship. This may incite feelings of regret for speaking up or advocating for one’s needs…AND, when we continue to take time to be with that grieving part, we are gradually making space to be able to shift into feeling the joy for being able to self-advocate, take care of inner child wounds, and develop confidence choosing a partner who cultivates safety in the relationship.
In order to be ready for these changes, we run the risk of….
Butterfly metamorphasis
#3: Looking into the mirror
Sometimes the hardest part of setting boundaries and the changing relationships is the necessity of self-reflection. Having to adjust, transform, transition, or alter who oneself is can be an oftentimes painful process.
The metamorphosis process of the butterfly is an analogy that is commonly referenced that illustrates this:
In order to become a butterfly, the caterpillar goes through a metamorphosis - a change that is rarely talked about. The caterpillar must take time to find a safe space, to have the energy and ability to weave a chrysalis that is substantially secure and strong, to trust in the process to fully fall apart. The “Falling Apart” is completely disembodied. The caterpillar literally becomes nothing but a gooey substance, and piece-by-piece creates itself anew. The caterpillar is still the same Being, but now a butterfly. It is still not done. To emerge from the chrysalis, the butterfly must learn to push itself through the chrysalis. Aiding the butterfly, or cutting the chrysalis open, risks disabling or killing the butterfly because it does not develop the muscle and skeletal structure necessary for carrying it’s own weight of it’s body as a winged creature. So, it needs to go through that emergence struggle to have the capacity to survive.
The therapy and healing process can sometimes feel like this metamorphosis process, and that might bring up scary feelings or triggering memories. When we set boundaries we others, we are choosing to engage differently and that requires us to sometimes address triggers, take accountability, have insight, emotional acumen, coping skills, and capacity to do so.
FORTUNATELY, therapists are there for you through this process so you’re not having to do this alone!! As a therapists, I often hear from other therapist and healers about their personal experiences with this, their LOVE in doing this difficult work with clients, how the therapists become cheerleaders when being able to highlight the small/big milestones, and how humbled they feel in being chosen to walk alongside (or, help assist in the heavy lifting that happens with) clients who are doing this really hard work.
If you’re wanting/needing to do some boundary-setting work, or curious to learn more. There is a therapist waiting for you (seriously, frfr) to help and connect with for all this hardbeautifulgrievingliberating work at Therapinay.com.